OK, I’ll take the bait.

1. What’s it like having flat-out broken taste buds?

It means I toss more of them yummy candy corns in my mouth! Need intensity!

1. Eating candy corn is like biting a mealy apple made of 100% corn syrup. Can you please describe why you love that texture of sadness?

It’s not a water chestnut.

1. How do you feel when you see a bowl of candy corn at the office that’s been sitting in a bowl for over a week, neglected and unloved?

I am civilized. I buy my own bag.

1. Why do you eat candy corn that’s been sitting in a bowl for over a week?

See the previous question.

1. WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU LIKE THIS?

It’s the fact that you did that whole fifty point list and missed the #1 textural disgrace that is water chestnuts. Next list must be about the true culinary abomination that is like eating crispy cardboard. WTF is wrong with people?